8 Examples of Self Awareness: A Guide to Nurturing Intimacy in Relationships
It’s impossible to live authentically without first discovering who you are. Self-awareness is crucial! Here are easy ways to move toward self-awareness that will help you find out for yourself.
What is self-awareness? The dictionary defines self-awareness as “knowledge and awareness of your personality or character.”When you’re self-aware, you have an accurate and clear understanding of your personality, strengths, weaknesses, and beliefs. You know what makes you tick. Self-awareness also includes an understanding of how others perceive you.
Lacking self-awareness can lead to a very confusing and frustrating life!
The Importance of Self Awareness in relationships
Your level of self-awareness can influence your relationships and happiness. Let’s explore how.
Self-awareness illuminates the real reasons for past failures and challenges.
We often dismiss our failures as bad luck or a lack of proper timing. But it’s also possible we failed to perceive the situation, others, or ourselves accurately. Seeing the reason behind relationships, work, and other struggles is much easier when we can see ourselves.
Do you consistently struggle at work or in your relationships? What can you do better
Self-awareness is the foundation for personal progress. With it, individual development efforts will be protected.
Self-awareness is the cornerstone of success and self-improvement. Without self-awareness, the knowledge you possess can’t be applied effectively. Understanding your beliefs, habits, strengths, and weaknesses is necessary to make a personal change. Accepting others for who they are and appreciating yourself for who you are. An example is when you disagree with someone who upsets you.
You can hold on to the rage, shift your mindset, and think, “What can I learn from this?” Especially if it’s the person, you may care about. Is there a way we can resolve the situation and reconnect?”
Happiness and contentment are accepting what the result may be. The easier way of becoming disappointed is having goals and becoming too attached. It is okay to have intentions and allow the outcomes will be exactly what they should be.
2. Living in The Moment
You can miss out on worrying about the future and holding on to the past events we cannot change. Being present is an understanding that relationships occur in the here and now. Having a connection happens only in the present. You have to be conscious to know what state you are in.
That is an excellent definition of integrity. This is vital in creating relationships with others. Being unconscious is feeling the need to put on an act to impress others. If we show up honest and assertive, this is being conscious and aware. We do not look to others for consistent approval if we love ourselves and accept who we are.
4. Striving to Take Risks to Overcome Fears and Stretch Your Comfort Level to Reach Your Goals.
It’s part of our human nature to stay with what feels comfortable to us. Stepping out of our norm requires effort, and it can feel scary. However, how can we grow and learn more about ourselves if we do not take risks? We will always run into blocks and feel afraid, and family and friends may disagree with us. You must step out of your comfort zone and take risks when you meet your life partner.
It’s easy to assume that you are too old or fill in the blank to make a negative comment about yourself. The scarcity mindset is a prison and can show up as a relationship failure because we choose to settle for less. And it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy because you expect less; that is what you get. However, the law of attraction will open the door of abundance and several opportunities.
6. Taking Responsibility for Your Outcomes by Taking the Initiative in Your Life and Relationships.
We are all responsible adults, and it is clear that our outcomes are based on our creation. By not being conscious, we do not take accountability for our actions. It is easy to have come to the victim of our circumstances. Taking responsibility is knowing what you want and how to get it.
7. How Others Judge You is Only About Them; Striving to Let Go of What Others Think and Not Take It Personally.
In understanding relationships, we all know others have their baggage. In most cases, they will project their stuff on you. The projection occurs when we assign our thoughts and feelings to others. Understanding this phenomenon will be easier to allow our differences and remember that the human experience is individual.
8. A Partner is Someone to Love and Not an Object or a Goal.
It presumes that there is an understanding that one wants to create a life and relationship that fits “our” vision. However, it is not about winning a prize or achieving a goal. It means connecting to another human being and having that real fulfilling relationship means having a deep connection. If you are not conscious, it is easy to focus solely on yourself. True magic is present in the connection.
Don’t Be Afraid of Starting Over: 7 Reasons Why Your Past Doesn’t Dictate Your Future
Is your life what you want it to be? Do you feel satisfied and happy? Perhaps there’s been a disruption in your plans. Whether avoidable or unavoidable, life can contain curve balls that make you question where you are at or force you to start over.
If starting over makes you feel afraid, you don’t need to be. Starting over is a way to improve your life, improve your skills and abilities, and make your life work for you. The rewards of starting over are impressive and can give you a better life than before, no matter why you’re starting over.
7 reasons not to be afraid of starting over:
1. Build Better
No matter where you are now, you are not at the apex of where you could be. Even the most accomplished person still has dreams and goals. Starting over allows you to fix whatever is holding you back in life.
Life is like cooking by following a recipe. If you make a mistake following the directions, you can ruin the whole dish. No matter what you add, you may not be able to fix the problem enough to make your dish taste good.
Instead, it’s better to start over and try again. You can do better the next time and make a dish worth eating. Rather than serving a dish you’re afraid won’t taste good, you can do better and be confident with the outcome.
2. Don’t Be Afraid of Fear
In the TV series Star Trek, the crew is tasked to “Boldly go where no one has gone before.”Starting over in your life can be scary, but you have the power to learn, grow, and overcome that fear. According to psychologists, fear of the unknown is an ancient human trait. And so is overcoming that fear to explore and learn about the world around you. Acknowledge your fear and learn to work through it.
Another thing people often fear is failure. What will you do if starting over in your life doesn’t work? Successful entrepreneurs look at each loss as a lesson. The more you fail, the more you will learn, and the better you will do the next time. Pushing the reset button isn’t a one-time thing. You can start over as many times as needed and build on the experience you’ve gained
3. Be Creative
Starting over allows you to reimage your life. This is an opportunity to consider what you want. What are your hopes, dreams, and goals? To help visualize your new life, ask yourself these questions:
What makes me happy?
What makes me sad?
What do I want to accomplish?
What can’t I live without?
What don’t I want or need anymore?
Where do I want to be in six months, a year, and five years from now?
How do I want to be remembered?
To be successful in starting over, you need to know what you want to accomplish when you push the reset button. Take time now to plan your new life and how you will get there.
4. Find Your Purpose
What do you want out of life? If you’ve lived your life pleasing others, figuring out what you want can be scary. If a disruption has changed your life, now is the time to truly consider what you want your life to be in the future. Starting over and creating the life you want may take time, but you don’t need to be afraid. Ask yourself these questions to help you envision a new life:
What makes me happy?
What makes me sad?
What am I tired of doing?
If I could do anything, what would it be?
How do I want to be remembered?
Thinking about your answers to these questions can take the fear out of starting over. Knowing what you want provides you with goals and can help you create a plan.
5. Learn More
Who do you admire? Most likely, it’s someone who seems to know what and how to do things. Starting over allows you to learn more and expand outside of the boundaries of your old life. Mistakes and failures are part of learning. Starting over is the perfect opportunity to try, fail, and learn to be and do better.
Remember playing with modeling clay or drawing as a child? If you didn’t like what you had created, you could squish the clay back together and start over or turn the paper over and draw something else. There was no reason to be afraid because you knew you could try again. Starting over at any age is like that. You can create what you want and work at it until you succeed.
6. Rewards
Having a better life that’s full of opportunities is the reward for starting over. The best part is that you don’t have to wait until you completely change your life to benefit. Each step you take on your journey of starting over offers rewards as you learn and grow.
If you didn’t like your life before, starting over is how to make changes that benefit you. If your life was disrupted, starting over can help you regain what you’ve lost or even find bigger and better things to accomplish.
7. Time
Life is finite. Fear about starting over wastes the time you have to live your best life. Life can surprise you, for good or for bad. Starting over means you have time to work toward your goals instead of resigning yourself to having and being less than you could be. No matter how far you get, the time you spend starting over is never wasted.’
Four Top Practices to Begin Thinking In The Present
Most adults have had to or wanted to start over with something in their lives. Maybe the job has become a bit too un-mental. Challenging your personal life is not how you pictured things going by a certain age.
When you have tried new things in the past, the same outcome seems to take root in your life. For example, when you were 18, you found the “love of your life,” only to find out after a few years of marriage that he wanted a divorce.
Since then, you have dated the same type of men, never understanding why they all wanted out after a short period. You have become accustomed to the behavior out of fear of change.
How you see yourself today can be all about how you were prompted to see yourself earlier, ranging from incidents during childhood and adolescence to disappointments and discouragements as a younger adult. Overall, how you viewed the implications of your words and actions formed your central sense of self.
Forgiving the mistakes – Instead of working on forgiving the people in your past, try forgiving yourself first. “I forgive myself for not seeing the red flags.” Now, break that down even further. “I forgive myself for not acknowledging that his temper scared me during our arguments.” After working on your personal apologies, make yourself a promise that you will not punish your future relationships with old memories. That is precisely what they are: memories. Nothing more.
Recognize and acknowledge your negative thoughts — The ability to recognize the multiple places of your negative self-talk is the first step to rectifying outdated perceptions and conclusions about you and your mental environment. Now, write down all the different negatives on a sheet of paper. Below each statement, write a positive way you could have responded. Read them to yourself. You will find that over a short period, your mindset will change to a positive response to yourself and the people around you.
Leave the door open – While it is perfectly normal to hold back in any new relationship, after some time, if you’re still feeling apprehensive, check in with yourself. Are you punishing yourself out of fear that the new person will be just like others from your past? You might be punishing yourself for thinking you do not deserve good relationships.
Either way, ask yourself what the outcome of your fear is. Likely, one would be the new person who walks away. Stop punishing those that were not a part of that memory. Allow them to earn your trust and love. Base your thoughts on that behavior, not your personal negative thoughts.
Speak up – Most likely, somewhere in your life travels, you have heard the adage, “I can’t read your mind!” Many retort with, “You should be able to tell by my body language.”
While this may be helpful when speaking face to face, body language is not used to gauge emotions while communicating by phone or computer chat. In a study conducted in 2004, the National Center for Biotechnology Information surveyed over 14,000 adults, 18-64 years of age, on how many emotions they felt across the board daily. Collectively, the data showed that they had good thoughts 41 percent of the time. In comparison, only 16 percent experienced negative thoughts throughout their day.
The numbers that showed alarm were that over 33 percent showed mixed emotions for several hours during the day. Share what you are feeling with your peer relationships. Acknowledge your fears out loud. You might find they also feel like that and have been nervous to tell you.
Things To Remember
Give yourself a pep talk every day. Congratulations on the good thoughts or actions you had with others. Remember that no one is perfect. We all make mistakes, and that is okay. As Author Roy T. Bennett quoted in The Light in the Heart, “If you want to be happy, do not dwell in the past, do not worry about the future, focus on living fully in the present.”
If you enjoyed this article and would like to set up a free 15-minute consultation call to get started on your journey together to explore more in-depth on starting over.
A Key to Emotional Balance: Strategies for Effective Emotional Regulation
What Is Emotional Regulation?
According to James Madison University’s counseling center, there are eight categories of primary emotions: anger, sadness, fear, joy, interest, surprise, disgust, and shame. Yet there are lists containing upwards of 34,000 words used as emotional descriptors. Obviously, emotions play a significant role in all our daily lives, or we wouldn’t go through such trouble to describe the experience.
Considering that, it is no wonder that emotional regulation also affects each of our lives. Emotional regulation is recognizing and understanding your emotions and managing and controlling them as they present themselves throughout your day.
This is a skill; like all skills, everyone has a varying degree of how well they can perform emotional regulation. If you practice this skill, you will become more adept and competent over time.
Why is Emotional Regulation Essential?
There are many reasons that emotional regulation is important, the most significant being that regulating our emotions helps maintain good mental health and positive social interaction and capability. It also impacts our ability to calm ourselves down and act upon our feelings in socially acceptable manners. Often when one acts upon negative emotions in extreme ways, such as an outburst or aggression, they will regret it.
Not only are our social relationships impacted, but our internal relationships can be damaged by poor regulation. Failing to prevent strong negative emotions creates low well-being. It can cause dangerous internal conditions such as aggression, difficulty adjusting to new emotions, and depression.
What Factors Might Cause Poor Regulation?
The causes of poor emotional regulation include:
Never being taught emotion regulation skills.
Poor attachment as a child.
Experiencing trauma.
Lack of adult modeling of appropriate responses to emotions as a child.
How Can I Improve My Emotional Regulation?
Fortunately, emotion regulation is a skill, which means you can put forth concise effort and learn to have better control. As with most things, practice is imperative to help you gain positive emotion regulation and help improve your mental and social health.
Check-in with yourself. Focus on your sensations. Is your neck stiff, or is your heart rate elevated? This helps redirect your focus.
Name your emotion. The sensations you identified may help you label the emotion. It is common to experience more than one emotion at a time, so don’t limit yourself.
Acceptance. We all experience emotions in varying degrees at some point, so try not to be hard on yourself. Accept the feeling as valid and move on.
Mindfulness has been proven to help you stay calm and in the moment.
When you are not actively experiencing emotions:
Look for patterns when you experience intense emotions. There may be a specific trigger that can help you understand why you are reacting. Try a journal.
Pay attention to your physical state. Maybe you lose regulation capability whenever you are tired or hungry.
Positive self-talk will affect your outlook. When you struggle, avoid beating yourself up. Practice positive thinking, such as “I am doing the best I can,” and you will feel better about yourself.
Remember that you can choose your reactions. When you take a moment to pause, think about how you should react. Consider how your response would make you feel if the roles were reversed.
Acknowledge positivity. Negative bias is a real concept. Humans place more weight on negativity. Make a conscious effort to acknowledge positivity in your life.
Reach out for help. Talking it over with someone else with giving you perspective. Sometimes when your struggle becomes overwhelming, professional help from a therapist is the proper choice.
What Is Emotional Dysregulation?
While everyone experiences negative emotions at varying points throughout their lives, and we all will struggle to maintain them occasionally, some people may have a condition known as emotional dysregulation.
This means they cannot sufficiently regulate their emotions and tend to react disproportionately, sometimes even explosively. They may be unable to cope with stressful situations appropriately and may even turn to self-destructive behavior. It is helpful to seek out the support of a professional if you believe you are affected by this condition.
Becoming emotionally competent and strengthening your emotion regulation should be implemented universally. The better developed these skills are, the better overall mental health we can achieve.
You will positively impact your social life, feel more in control of yourself, and find greater success when you recognize and expand your abilities of positive emotion regulation.
Embrace Empowerment Through Emotional Intelligence
Empathy is our guiding principle. We understand the unique challenges faced by professional women – the demands, the expectations, and the constant juggling act. Let us equip you with the tools to:
✨ Pause and Breathe: In moments of intensity, you’ll learn to pause, take a breath, and regain your center.
✨ Master Self-Check: Tune into your sensations, decode your feelings, and gain insight into your emotions’ intricate language.
No longer let emotional turbulence hold you back. Step into a life where emotional competence fuels your success. Join our community of empowered professional women who have unlocked the power of emotional regulation. Your journey to a fulfilled, balanced, and thriving life starts now.
Rediscovering Romance: Secrets to Finding the Right Man After Divorce
You’re single again – congratulations! You might not hear that from most people. Most will give you a sorrowful look and then say, “I’m so sorry.” But whether you decided to move forward with a divorce or your ex-husband did – one thing we know for sure – it wasn’t the right match.
Now you’re free to find your one true, real soul mate in life. Or – maybe you don’t even want anything that serious. Perhaps you’ve decided you love being single, but you’d like to have a man (or several) to date now that you’re free.
Either way, this will all be done on your terms now. You have racked up some life experience, and you can weed out the kinds of men who don’t suit your needs.
How soon should you start dating after your divorce? Well, that depends on whether or not there are kids involved. Kids can be sensitive; even if you’ve known the marriage was over for a decade, it will be new to them.
You can date soon after but don’t have seven different men picking you up at your door every week immediately after the divorce. Even one is too many if the kids are struggling with the separation – so it’s best to take your dating outside their world.
If there are no kids involved, then there’s no set time. You can give yourself time to grieve the loss of your marriage or jump right into the dating scene – whatever works for you!
Just don’t sit on the sidelines too long out of fear. Millions of people are in the same situation as you – and they didn’t find their soul mate on the first try – so your perfect match might be waiting.
Figure out what kind of dating you want to do
What kind of mindset are you in right now? Are you in a man-hating mode where you are taking everything your ex ever did to you out on every man that exists? That’s understandable, but it’s not fair – so find a way to let go of that anger and wait until you do before you hit the dating scene.
Maybe you’re not angry with all men, but you can’t see yourself back in a relationship right now. That’s okay! You can have fun, casual companionship with one or more men without requiring you to commit.
Or, you might miss marriage and want to find someone who you can have that kind of connection with. Whatever choice you make – men are searching for the same thing.
Who’s your Mr. Right? Finding the right man after divorce
Some men and women get a divorce and start dating each other all over again. You sometimes hear about them getting back together and living happily ever after.
But this isn’t usually the case. You don’t want to make the same mistakes a second time. Spend some time before you start dating to figure out what you want out of your dates.
If you want to, start with what you hated about your ex! Was he a couch potato, and you wanted to get out and see the world? Was it impossible for him to smile while you tried to be silly and fun? Was he always spending while you wanted to be smart with your money?
Narrowing it down this way will help you flip those “dislikes” around and discover what kind of man you want. For example, you might find out that one of these is most important to you – based on what your last experience was like:
Appearances – because your ex never cared about his
Sense of Humor – because your ex was always too serious
Financial Security – because your ex blew through money and created debt
Respectful – because your ex treated you without any
Adventurous – because your ex preferred a boring life, and you didn’t
Or, if you want to leave your ex out of the equation and create your list of “deal breakers” (things you can’t do without), that’s fine, too!
As you grow older, things might have changed about what you want in a man that you date. Maybe before (in your 20s), it was all about looks. Now, in your 40s, perhaps it’s all about financial security and a sense of humor.
Don’t let other people’s ideal vision of your date influence your decision. Divorce is heartbreaking, and you want to ensure that this choice is all about you and your needs – not your best friend or parent.
Get Prepared So You Feel Strong and in Control
Divorce can leave you feeling so drained – emotionally and even physically. You might have lower self-esteem when you emerge, or maybe you’re the type of person who comes out of it stronger than ever!
Either way, please prepare before you hit the dating scene to make sure that you find someone who suits your needs. Sometimes we stifle who we are in a marriage.
Maybe your ex was a couch potato, so you were too – when you really wanted to be outdoors and active (and that’s the kind of man you’re looking for now).
Maybe that caused you to gain a lot of weight, and you want someone fit and healthy. There’s nothing wrong with trying to look the way you want to look and feel the way you want to feel.
Do things you’ve never done before but always wanted to do – get your mental spirit back in the game so that you’re not just a bystander but a participant in the life you want to live!
If your ex always liked you with long hair, but you wanted it short – and want to find a man to date who doesn’t mind short hair, then go ahead and cut it now! There’s no one to answer to now – no one to “make happy” except yourself.
Start living the life you’ve always wanted so that when you find the man you wish, he’ll see you in your preferred environment. Suppose you stay the same way you always have been (when you did it to please someone else). In that case, you’ll attract the same type of men and probably go through a similar relationship as you did before.
What kind of preparation do you need to go through? It will differ for everyone, but here are a few things you might consider:
Go Counseling – if you feel a lot of emotional turmoil from your last marriage, you might want to go through this cleansing process to let go of past hurts and get ready to embrace a happy future.
Start a new diet and fitness regimen – if you gained weight out of depression during a tumultuous marriage, then you might want to get fit and look great before you hit the dating scene.
Get a makeover –look at yourself and see if you’ve let yourself go during the marriage. Are your clothes outdated or not fitting right? Is your hairstyle fresh and trendy? Don’t be afraid to change to be the woman you want.
Where You’ll Find Prospective Dates
Once you decide what you want and you’re in a good place where you feel strong, powerful, and in control, you can start looking for the right kind of man you want to date.
How can you find him? In today’s world, it’s okay to approach men or set yourself up so they can approach you. You’ll find more opportunities now that your eyes are open to them. The goal is to date consciously.
Meeting men online can have its pros and cons. On the good side, you’re keeping them at a safe distance and able to be picky and “vet” them along the way.
On the other hand, many liars out there might be married, using a phony picture, fibbing about whatever they discuss with you, etc. This isn’t always the case.
There are many wonderful men out there who are looking for a great, honest woman. You must be 100% genuine in your online dating profile and discussions.
What’s the point of lying about your appearance or interests, etc.? All that does is ensure that you’ll meet someone who’s not completely happy with the real you – and then you’re setting yourself and him up for disappointment later. It’s a waste of time.
Suppose you decide to go with the online dating route. In that case, it’s okay to start off free. Still, it’s much better if you take a paid membership to get matched up with the right men and find out more about them before you begin discussions with them.
How about matchmakers in real life offline? That can be your Mom, friends, coworkers, or even a professional matchmaker in your city. These work well often because these people know you best – and they see two people who would be so right for each other and can arrange an introduction.
It doesn’t have to be a “blind date” per se. You can always attend a dinner party at a backyard bar-b-q where the other person happens to be, too. Then your friends can introduce you to a relaxed setting and see where it leads!
Events that men go to are another excellent place to meet some great guys. Sporting events (if you like them) can be good. Many discussions occur at ball games in the stands or outside in the parking lot while tailgating.
Do you want to date one person at a time or play the field and see what is out there? Either way is okay. You can be honest upfront and let your dates know you’re dating several people at once – if you want to.
Making Sure Your Dates Are a Great Experience
When you first start dating someone, you want to be very careful. Safety is a real concern in the dating world when you’re a woman, and you’re meeting strangers – especially if it’s someone you met online who none of your friends or family knows.
Could you tell someone or leave a note about where you went, what time and day, and who you went to meet? Don’t let anyone you don’t know to pick you up at your home.
He may not be a serial killer, but he might be clingy and stalker-ish – two things you don’t want or need in your life if you decide to part ways with him. Meet at a public place, too – not at his apartment or anywhere you must be alone.
You can drive yourself to and from the date. You want to remain alert and not drink too much, so driving will ensure you stay sober and have an easy way to leave if the date’s not going well.
Make sure you pick a fun activity on your first date – but one where you can talk to one another! A movie isn’t conducive to good conversation, so try something else.
What if it’s not a great date? What if he turns out to be everything you don’t want in a guy? There’s no harm in forming new friendships – even if they can’t turn romantic.
But if you don’t want to go that far, you can end the date early and move on to the next opportunity. Don’t make a phony excuse – he’ll know, and it makes everyone uncomfortable.
You can say, “I’m delighted we got to meet, but I don’t feel there’s much of a connection between us. I think I will head home – but I appreciate the opportunity to get to know you!”
Lastly, don’t worry about your ex’s thoughts about the new man you’re dating. This is none of his business – so if he makes snide remarks about your new guy, smile and be thankful you’re not with him anymore!
If you still would like to learn more about conscious dating and find a healthy, loving relationship, set up a free 15-minute call by clicking the Contact Me link above.
Raquelle Williams Life Coach
Professional and Life Relationship Seattle, Washington Passionate coach who strives to help my clients with tips & techniques to help achieve their goals – Usui Reiki Master – Certified Cognitive Behavioral Coach – Certified Holistic Health Coach – Certified Dating & Relationship Coach – Certified Professional Life Coach – Crystal Healing Practitioners – NLP Training
No More Heartache: Outsmarting Deal Breakers in a Relationship
Both sexes have standards when it comes to dating. Everyone is looking for that perfect someone that they can imagine building a relationship with. When you’re left waiting for Mr. or Mrs. Right, you sometimes start to think the opposite sex is just far too picky.
It might surprise you to know that when it comes to deal breakers with dating, men, and women are surprisingly alike in what turns them off and won’t lead to more dates. Knowing this can help you avoid a dry spell.
Not Knowing How to Communicate
Not knowing how to communicate on a date is something that a lot of women just don’t want to put up with. Things like this include not being able to talk clearly and not knowing the basic difference between commonly misused words.
To men, this might seem too picky, but to women, a man that doesn’t know how to communicate from the start, including with their eyes, it won’t get any better as the relationship progresses.
Women do put more of an emphasis on communication than men do because this is how women relate. A deal breaker with communication is a man or a woman who is the star in their world.
These kinds of people talk so much that it’s hard to get a word in edgewise. When a man or woman wants to find out about their date, give them the condensed version of yourself, not your life story.
During a date, you don’t want to jump on the complaint train. Someone that you’ve just met or are just now starting to get to know doesn’t want to hear all about the job that you hate, or the terrible day you’ve just experienced.
Communication during a date means communicating with the date. It doesn’t mean that this is a fresh avenue for you to spill all of your resentment and heartache about the person who was in your life before him or her.
If you bring your ex into the conversation, it can be an instant deal breaker because it shows that you haven’t worked through feelings about that former flame. No one wants a preview of the excess baggage you’ll be bringing along if they date you.
It also shows that you’re inconsiderate. It’s a deal breaker to use someone you barely know as a sounding board about the lost loves in your life. You might feel that you’re connecting, while the other person feels like they should be charging you a therapy fee.
Work through your issues about your ex before you move on to dating someone new. See a real therapist and make sure all of your issues with that situation are resolved before you dating someone else. You’ll be doing yourself a big favor.
Being Impolite
Most people know how to be polite. Some don’t. If you don’t know how to be polite, that can be a deal breaker. If you haven’t mastered basic table etiquette, then you need to learn before you hit the dating circuit.
First, don’t put your elbows on the table. Don’t slouch down so far in your chair that it looks like you’re practically resting on your neck. When it’s time to eat, don’t share your food in open-mouthed chewing with the other person.
It’s rude and disgusting to look at someone else’s chewed-up meal. These are deal breakers – especially for women. Don’t slurp your food, push your food onto your fork with your fingers, don’t burp, don’t blow your nose, and don’t pick your teeth when you’re on a date.
If you get a bite of something that tastes terrible, don’t make a show of spitting it out. Discreetly remove it with a napkin. If something is out of reach, ask for it, don’t reach across the table and grab it.
One of the biggest issues that’s a deal breaker among both men and women are dates that get on the cell phone. If you text or take a call during a date and it’s not an absolute emergency, you can bet you’ll probably never get another date.
It’s rude to pay attention to someone who isn’t even there via a cell phone. Being rude to others (including the waitress or waiter) around you on the date is a deal breaker. If you’re out with your friends, treating them rudely is also a deal breaker.
Your date will end up wondering if that’s how you treat other people and if you’ll start to treat him or her that way as well. Under the heading being impolite is not having a tolerance toward people who have different religions, are from different cultures, are a different race, or have different sexual preferences.
Being small-minded or making bigoted or racist comments is a deal breaker. It’s rude and offensive. It’s also not polite to expect your date to like all the same things that you like.
Just because you like a certain style of music doesn’t mean she will. And to expect someone to give in to your tastes is a deal breaker. Instead of looking for someone that is exactly like you when it comes to preferences, learn how to explore the differences.
It can be a deal breaker to be sarcastic or to make fun of something that your date finds interesting. It makes you look mean and bullying to make fun of someone just because they’re into things that you’re not.
Not Taking Care of Your Appearance
Surprisingly, men and women aren’t looking for someone who doesn’t have any flaws. But both sexes do look for someone who takes pride in his or her appearance. This can range from clothing choices to hygiene habits.
When you show up for a date, even if it’s a casual date, you should always look your best. Those worn sweatpants might make you feel comfortable, but to your date, they say that you couldn’t be bothered to put forth much effort.
Save the house clothes for around-the-house. Don’t wear a pair of shoes that could be worn when cleaning out the garage or mowing. Don’t wear shoes that don’t fit the occasion. An example of this is wearing high heels for a beach walk.
The shoes are out of place and will only tell your date that you’re trying too hard to impress. Be careful going too bold. That bright Hawaiian shirt might look great on a vacation, but on a date, it’s better to choose clothes and shoes that blend in and save the wilder choices for a later date.
A deal breaker for both men and women is showing up for a date without having spent some time on personal hygiene. If you can’t be bothered to brush and floss your teeth, it’s better that you stay home.
Poor hygiene habits can also be a deal breaker. These include things like wiping your mouth on the sleeve of your shirt after eating. Or coughing up phlegm and then spitting it onto the ground.
Take care of your smile. It’s one of the first impressions that you’ll make on someone else when it comes to dating. A big deal breaker for men and women is pretending to be something you’re not online or through text messages, then showing up in person and you look and act differently.
An example of this is a girl who pretends to be into things guys like just to impress the guy. Or a guy who says he has washboard abs, when it’s more like a beer belly. What both sexes appreciate is a person who’s honest with them right from the start.
Don’t lie about your body type, your looks, or your hobbies just to get someone interested in you. When the truth comes out, it will only backfire. You want to date someone who likes the real you, not some fictional person who doesn’t exist.
Certain habits can also make your appearance less than desirable on a date. Someone who smells like cigarette smoke can be a deal breaker to some people. People who drink more than their limit on a date are a turnoff, too.
Unresolved Personal Issues
Every person in the world is going to have some emotional wounds given to them by life experiences. Most people go on to get through these issues by working them out or seeking the advice of a counselor.
Having experienced personal problems is nothing to be ashamed of and is normal. However, dragging these issues around with you, especially on dates is when it becomes a problem.
Personal issues that are deal breakers involve things like not being able to let go and move on from anything that hurt you emotionally and springing that upset on your date. Your date doesn’t want to hear about the times your former friend stole money from you or skipped out without paying rent.
He doesn’t want to hear about daddy issues. She doesn’t want to hear about your issues with your mom or your dad. Or your siblings. Or your neighbors. If those things are still eating away at you, it’s a sign that you need to deal with them rather than date and talk about them.
Your date doesn’t want to hear about a list of problems that were someone else’s fault. It makes you sound whiny and immature. If you have a personal issue that’s driven you to try to deal with it through the development of an addiction, that’s a definite deal breaker.
Having an addiction to drugs isn’t fair to expect another person to have to deal with, especially someone that you don’t even know that well. It puts too much on them emotionally.
If you have an addiction to drugs or alcohol, take care of it and get well before you seek a relationship. An addiction can introduce a level of upheaval into a relationship that can add a lot of drama.
When there’s an addiction, the person that you’re dating never gets to know who you are because the addiction can mask that. People with an alcohol or drug addiction can often have varying mood swings and that’s not a good way to begin a relationship.
Not Being Dependable
A deal breaker among men and women is dating people who don’t know how to keep their word. These people are often flighty. They’ll say one thing and mean another. Sometimes, they can be prone to mind games.
Men and women are looking for someone who has a solid character. They know that if you’re not dependable, as the relationship develops when they need someone, you won’t be the one they’ll be able to call.
It’s a deal breaker because a person who isn’t dependable has all kinds of excuses for his or her behavior. Why they didn’t show up when they said they would? Why they blew you off, why they couldn’t pay for a meal they promised to pay for?
These people are often not financially stable and they’re looking for someone they can lean on. Being someone who can’t take care of himself is a deal breaker. Both men and women want someone who is independent and knows how to keep his word.
A man or woman who has a life that’s out of control isn’t someone that anything can be built with because that person can’t be trusted. Without trust, there can’t be a healthy relationship.
Someone who’s too clingy isn’t someone who can be depended on. This is because the other person in the dating relationship will constantly have to reassure the clingy one, and constantly have to feed their need for reassurance and company.
Signs of being clingy include always wanting to know who you’re with and what you’re doing. The person could be afraid that you’re leaving them behind. A dating relationship needs to be a two-way street.
Each person should have a circle of friends as well as friends they enjoy seeing as a dating couple. Each person needs to have outside interests in a dating relationship and this includes different friends.
When you have separate interests, it can help a dating relationship stay fresh and seem more interesting. Don’t allow yourself (or the other person) to lose their identity and friendships just because you want to spend more time together.
Being Too Familiar Too Fast
When you date someone, certain physical boundaries shouldn’t be crossed unless it’s clear that the other person is open to contact. On a first date, you should have and expect personal boundaries.
Treating someone like they’re an old friend that you can hang all over is going to make the other person uncomfortable. While this is usually a dating deal breaker that’s more common in the way that men behave, women are also guilty of this one.
Part of the problem is that dating has become more like a checklist. People are trying to see if the other person fits the bill physically. This means that he or she is trying to figure out if they’re compatible – if they’re a good fit.
Though it’s important to date someone that you’re physically attracted to, dating isn’t a supermarket where you can go in and start rubbing and touching to see if you like what you see.
Because men are usually bigger, taller, and have more physical strength, being too hands-on can make a woman feel uncomfortable, and intimidated and sometimes can cross the boundaries into sexual harassment.
Never assume it’s okay to touch someone else. Instead, make sure that you have a clear okay before you do. It’s not just the physical where a date can get too familiar. Being too familiar too fast can be a deal breaker when it comes to emotions, too.
When a person starts pushing for emotional depth that hasn’t developed yet, this can turn people off. An example of this is when a couple just start dating and by the end of the first week, one party is ready to move in together, to be exclusive, or already talking about being in love.
This is usually a sign of a deeper emotional problem that should raise red flags. Though it’s not easy to date in today’s world, there are plenty of good men and women looking for that special someone. Figure out what your deal breakers are and try to find someone who suits your personal preferences!
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Raquelle Williams Life Coach
Professional and Life Relationship Seattle, Washington Passionate coach who strives to help my clients with tips & techniques to help achieve their goals – Usui Reiki Master – Certified Cognitive Behavioral Coach – Certified Holistic Health Coach – Certified Dating & Relationship Coach – Certified Professional Life Coach – Crystal Healing Practitioners – NLP Training
