What Level Are You Playing In Your Relationship?

We all want to have a better relationship, we all want to have someone to share our good moments and someone that supports us in the moments of struggle.

I don’t know where are you in your relationship right now, maybe you already have a good relationship or maybe you know that you love your spouse, but there is something missing. You are arguing all the time, not knowing what to do, and maybe you have a good moment or two during the week, but then you go back into arguing and hurting each other again.

Does this sound familiar? If it does, you definitely going to benefit with what I’m going to share with you today.

What level are you playing in your relationship?

The first thing you need to do is to identify where you are in your relationship, and what I mean by this is at what level are you playing in your marriage?

According to human needs psychology there three levels in every relationship and the level at which you are playing is what is going to determine the success and happiness in your marriage and your family.

The first level of marriage play: Selfish love

The first level is self-centered love or selfish love. This level is all about me: I’m here to see what can I get out of this relationship instead of what can I contribute. In this level I come first, then is me and at the end is me again and nothing else.

This is the most basic level we can play in any relationship, and it only guarantees pain for both parts.

I can give you the most common example of a level one relationship. If you are the husband and you demand love from your wife, thinking that just because you make money for your family, this gives you the right to demand love and respect before giving it, you are a level one man. Now if you are the wife and you are using sex and intimacy to manipulate your husband and get what you want instead of using it to love your husband and make him feel important, you are a level one woman.

The Second level of marriage play: Dependent love

The second level is dependent love. At this level you are conditioning or trading your love. This is a much more mature level than level one, and it guarantees love and a good friendship but that’s it. There is no a free flow of playfulness, spontaneity and passion. The reason is that you are expecting for your partner to love you first so that you can give your love back.

At this level there is a social belief that says “I give my 50% and my partner gives their 50% and together we make 100%.” The truth is that if you only give your 50% you only going to get 50%.

I’ll give you an example, and it maybe it’s a silly example but I hope you grasp the idea of what I’m getting at.

Let’s think of three people that you work with, and let’s give them a rating of the level of energy and contribution they put into their positions from 0% to 100%. Then let’s write down that number. OK ready?

What did you come up with? Maybe one at 50%, another at 60% and the last at 70%. Whatever the numbers were for each person, does this mean that your company is working at the sum total of all three people–in our example, 180%?

Now some of you are more technical and know numbers better and are thinking that you still have to divide this number by the number of coworkers, and I absolutely agree. So let’s do it, let’s divide it and now you will have a more accurate number. Let’s say that your number was 180% for three coworkers, so let’s divide 180 by 3. Now this means that your company is working at its 60%, at least with those 3 people.

Now let’s go back to your marriage where you are only giving your 50% and your partner is giving his or her 50%. When you add it up you have a 100% and then divided by 2 the reality is that you have a 50% relationship. And that is the result of expecting your partner to love you first so that you can express your love back.

The third level of marriage play: Free, unconditional love

The third level is free, unconditional love. This means your partner comes first.
At this level everything changes, the whole game changes. Love, passion, playfulness and presence flow freely and unconditionally within the marriage…

Now by unconditional I mean that you are not expecting anything in return, you are not measuring anything and you love your partner just because that is who you are and that is how much you appreciate and love them.

So if you are thinking of your partner and how you can make them feel important and special, thinking about what can you do to make them feel your love and appreciation and what can you do to grow together and contribute together, congratulations! You are in a level three relationship and you are a role model for other couples and for other people, and your family is in a very, very happy place.

Summary

And these are the 3 levels in any relationship.

1. Self-centered love (I’m here to see what can get out of this relationship)
2. Dependent love (I love you if you love me first )
3. Free, unconditional love (My partner comes first, I’m here to serve you)

Now before you write down at what level you are playing within your relationship, let me tell you something. We all play the 3 levels to some extent, but the level at which you spend most of your time is what is going to determine the level of love, happiness and success within your marriage and your family.

Now tell me what level are you?

If you have any questions about this material or maybe you have an specific question regarding you marriage, please reach out to contact me and it will be my pleasure to answer you.

This is the first step to improve your relationship, and know where you are so that you have a better sense of direction towards where you want to go.