Negotiating Relationships

Having people who love you is wonderful, but it’s important to manage these relationships in a productive manner.

Negotiating personal and professional relationships is not easy for most of us. Friends, family and co-workers all have different expectations of us. Understand that you have as much control over your relationships as the others in them.

Personal and professional relationships include everyone that you know. Friends, family and co-workers all share a relationship with you. The depth of each relationship will vary, and needs to be nurtured in different ways. Managing the expectations of the self as well as others can be challenging.

Friends

Friends fill many roles in our lives. Some are simply close acquaintances that we see when we are out on the town. Other friends may have begun to fill family roles in our lives.  In any case, it is important to manage your expectation and the expectations of friends.

Friends may:

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• Ask for more time than you have to give.
• Want to spend more time with you do, than you do with them.
• Monopolize activities

Negotiate relationships with friends by being honest. Let them know how much time you have to spend on extracurricular activities, and how much time you need for your family. Only engage in activities you are interested in, and let you friends know what your preferences are. They will not know if you do not tell them!

Family

You do not get to choose your family. You do, however, get to choose how your family relationships are formed. Family relationships include a lifetime of baggage and expectation. If you are uncertain on how to negotiate these relationships on your own, consider speaking to a life coach who can assist you in creating a framework.

Family may:

• Evaluate you based on past actions, sometimes decades old.
• Expect your participation in all family gatherings.
• Judge you based on life decisions.

Negotiating with your family can only happen once you have placed the individuals, their past actions, and personality in context. The concept of mother, father, brother, sister, etc., are created by the self, not by the individual. Knowing this, you can begin to experience the members of your family as individuals, and not individuals working in the concept of their role.

Let family members know when they are wrong or have misjudged you. Do this though as if you were speaking to someone you respect to avoid falling into the trap of past actions.

Co-workers

Like family, choosing of co-workers is generally out of one’s control. Co-workers may simply want to have a good working relationship, or may intermix their personal and professional lives. There is nothing wrong with either scenario. Understanding the difference can change how you perceive the situation.

Co-workers may:

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• Pressure you into activities outside of work.
• Expect you to make your co-workers your “work family”.
• Monopolize your work time with home issues.

Evaluate the context of work in any given coworker before you try to negotiate with them. If they wish to mix their home and work lives more than you, let them know that. Explain to a coworker that you have a different work/life balance [Setting Limits for Work]. You may wish to include that you need to get your work done at work so that it does not trail home after you. The only one who will protect your home life is you!

Negotiating personal relationships is a tricky business. The balance between matching your needs and the needs of others will depend on the individual you are dealing with. Understanding their motivations is the best way to let them know about yours. If you respect their needs, they will be more apt to return the favour!

If you want to get more from your life, and are looking for concrete action steps to get you there, check out our Request a Coach page. It’s a “cut the fence-sitting and take action” way to tackle your issues and actually find success. You’ll be matched with the coaches most suited to you to get you from where you are to where you want to be. To get off the fence and start to take action, click or tap here.