Fulfilling the Vow: For Better of For Worse

Is it really better or worse?

Let me begin by saying that marriage is beautiful. Some people are fortunate enough to be able to say they have found their life partner by discovering the true meaning of love and companionship. There is no doubt in both of their minds that they will spend their lives together even through the toughest of times.

Unfortunately, there are more people who are in love with the idea of being married, not fully understanding the level of commitment that is required.

This idea of marriage can be brought on by a series of things.

• Marriage seems like a good idea to some because they have children together. Even though the relationship was never healthy, they felt that creating a family environment is be best for the children.
• Some decide to get married because they felt that their significant other was their only option and their closest opportunity to getting married….. comfortable.
• Others just don’t want to be alone especially if the age wheel is turning rather quickly.

So, you decide to jump the broom and in front of family and friends you commit to loving your significant other for better or worse until death. You say the words to get through the ceremony and you may even convince yourself that you can do this, and that marriage will make your situation better.

But let me tell you IT DOESN’T. Most people do not understand the magnitude of this particular vow and why it is so hard for them to fulfill it.

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Why is this vow so hard to fulfill?

Entering into a marriage without fully taking into account of how well you know your partner, evaluating how healthy or unhealthy your pre-marital relationship is, or believing that marriage will improve your relationship or the way your partner is within the relationship: these are all a perfect recipe for disaster.

Weathering the Tough times

There are not too many people who aren’t able to fulfill the “for better” portion of this vow because everyone loves to experience good times. It’s easy to get along when everything in life is going well. But what happens when it’s time to fulfill the “for worse” portion of this vow? No one enjoys encountering tough times. It is through the tough times that couples are able to realize exactly how they feel for one another. Couples are able to see how strong their love is for one another and recognize the type of strength they have within that relationship. Tough times either draw you closer together or create a force between the two of you causing division. 

It’s difficult to endure tough times with a person that you don’t know. If you decide to marry a person when you haven’t taken the time to understand how they handle tough times in their personal lives, then you are assuming the risk that comes with entering this commitment with a person who may not be equipped to handle issues at the magnitude that you need. Am I saying that they need to be able to handle issues exactly the way you handle them? NO, but I am saying that they should have the ability to work hand in hand with you to establish a goal to overcome the challenge without it compromising your relationship.

The problem with potential

It is equally challenging to deal with tough times with a person that you marry based on their potential instead of their reality. Everyone has potential! That’s right…..everyone has the potential to be better than they are right now. The difference is that everyone doesn’t act on their potential.

So many people look at their partner and see them for what they could be instead of deciding if they want to enter into this lifetime commitment with them for where they are right now and accept them for better or worse.

• Can you accept them if they never reach what they could potentially be but remain at the place they are right now today?
• Can you be with them forever under these circumstances remain happy?
• Can you be with them and not throw it in their face that they are in the same place and  causing you to be in the same place, five years from now?
• Will you be angry with them for not wanting more even though you knew BEFORE you were married that they weren’t particularly ambitious?
• Can you refrain from asking them what good are they?
• Can you refrain from asking what’s the point in being married to them if you have to do it all by yourself?
• Wait….weren’t you doing everything in the relationship before you got married? Did you really think that getting married would suddenly make them motivated to change? 

Marriage for the children

Now let’s address those that decide to marry because of children. Your children know more than you give them credit for knowing. They know that you two aren’t in a happy relationship. It’s way more difficult to deal with tough situations with your partner as well as juggle the challenges that come along with parenthood while trying to create a healthy and loving environment for them.

The biggest job that people who marry for their children’s sake seem not to realize is the fact that your children learn how to love from you and your partner. You are teaching them how to work together, how to set goals, how to handle tough circumstances. You are teaching them how to parent.

SEE ALSO: If you want to get more from your life, and are looking for concrete action steps to get you there, check out our Request a Coach page. It’s a “cut the fence-sitting and take action” way to tackle your issues and actually find success. You’ll be matched with the coaches most suited to you to get you from where you are to where you want to be. To get off the fence and start to take action, click or tap here.

Think about your marriage. Would you want your son or daughter to be in that type of marriage? Would you want your grandchildren to see what your children see in your household? It’s hard to run a household effectively when you and your partner are going in two different directions all the while pulling your children in each direction. So how healthy is this for your children? This is who you decided to get married for right?

Bottom line is if you get married for any other reason other than the fact that you love each other and realize that your lives are better with each other, then you can expect this vow to be difficult to follow because your heart isn’t attached to the person while you are experiencing tough times.

Is it too late to turn our marriage around?

Of course not! Now that you understand why it is difficult to fulfill the vow for better or for worse, let’s give you some tools to help move your relationship in the right direction.

Let me say this before giving you the tools. These tools can help improve you as an individual or within your relationship. They are only as effective as how well you use them in your relationship. This isn’t to say that it is guaranteed to make your relationship right per se because some of you already know that your situation will most likely not change because one of you isn’t interested in change.

That’s ok too! If your partner isn’t interested in change then use these tools to improve yourself. These tools may show you that this relationship isn’t for you and give you the strength to move forward. Either way, if you use these tools you will see improvement in your life. Those of you that are ready for change follow these tools closely! Let’s go!

Tools to help your marriage for better or worse

Step one: Acceptance

• Accept that you made the decision to enter this marriage under the wrong circumstances.
• Look yourself in the mirror and acknowledge that you are the reason that your personal life as well as your relationship is not where it needs to be due to your individual actions or lack thereof.
• Tell yourself that you accept your past decisions and you are making a commitment today to make positive changes regardless of how you feel or what you go through.
• Declare that you are better than what you have exhibited and the power lies within you to reach greatness. 

Step two: Invite your partner to join you

• Express to your partner that you want better for both of you as individuals as well as within your relationship. Notice I did not say to blame them, argue or point fingers. Tell your partner what you have done in your relationship and in your life that has held you back personally and within your relationship. Do not expect your partner to begin to pour out what they have done to hinder your relationship and they may not want to join this journey with you right now. That is ok. Change begins with you. You do not have the power to make your partner change but you do have the power to change yourself. 
• If your partner agrees that they too would like to make positive changes and want to join you on this journey towards change then share STEP ONE with them.
• Both of you need to sit down together and compile a list of things that have kept the two of you from being successful in your marriage.
• Divide the paper in half. On one side write the things that have held you back collectively. On the other side, write down how you plan to change those things and establish a timeline.
• HOLD EACH OTHER ACCOUNTABLE TO THE TIMELINE BUT BE REASONABLE.
• Keep the list. You will need it later.

Step Three: Encouragement & action

• Every day will not be an easy day when attempting to change. You are accustomed to following the same pattern you have followed for weeks, months, even years. It is going to take additional effort to train yourselves to do the opposite of what you have always done.
• When you see that your partner is struggling, make an extra effort to help them to achieve their goal for the day.
• Each day you should take some action that is moving forward to achieving the goal that you have set for yourselves.
• In addition, take time each day to do something genuine towards each other. It doesn’t have to be fancy but a simple note of encouragement or make coffee or lunch for your partner. Do anything to show that you appreciate the fact that you both are trying to move forward together and as a daily reminder to your partner that you are recommitted to each other and your new relationship. Simply put…make them smile.

Step Four: Compliment & re-evaluate

• Sit down with your partner with your list of things that has held you back and see if you are making improvements. Both of you need to discuss whether your plan on how to change each challenge is working and if you are moving in right direction.
• If you are not moving in the right direction and your plan isn’t working then develop a new plan along with a new timeline. Remember that there is nothing wrong with pointing out what doesn’t work but do not blame anyone. You both have to actively work on improving how to work together. You are partners, teammates. Both of you should motivate each other to be better and not tear each other down due to pitfalls. You chose each other including those faults, things that you don’t like, things that irritate you to no end; however, they are your spouse and you made a commitment to love them for better or for worse until death.
• The key to this step is to keep trying. It will get difficult at times and you may want to resort back to the habits you are accustomed to but you will not see changes in your relationship unless you keep fighting towards being better. 

Step Five: Leave the pat in the past

• You both are aggravated with how your marriage has turned out. You both realized that what you thought marriage would be is exactly the opposite of what you are experiencing. Even though your marriage isn’t exactly your dream marriage, you have accepted what you have done to fail each other and you have committed to making things better.
• After you acknowledge your personal wrongs and have discussed what you plan to do to make improvements; DO NOT BRING UP THE PAST ANYMORE. You can’t move forward looking backwards. You only create more stumbles.
• Don’t believe me? Stand up and start walking forward but don’t look forward, turn your head and look behind you. After you hit your head on the wall or fall, do you see the importance of looking in the direction you want to go? STOP LOOKING BACK, IT ONLY HURTS YOU.
• You have made a plan for a reason. Focus on your goals and plans and really attempt to make those changes so your relationship can improve. This process will teach you a lot about yourself and who you are in a relationship.

Step Six: If you get stumped you can start over

• During this change, you and your partner may feel that you are at a standstill and you aren’t really seeing progress. Maybe you are just going through the steps for the sake of saying you did it but not really putting forth a 100% effort.
• There is nothing wrong with starting over. Start with STEP ONE and do it all over again. The point is to stop wasting time doing the wrong things and utilize your time to make positive changes.
• Most of all, you have to believe in your heart that you both deserve better and that your relationship can be better than ever before.

Let me know how these tools work for you! I want to hear from you! Remain encouraged and learn to love each other through your pain. 

Keisha Ellis

Relationship coach

If you want to get more from your life, and are looking for concrete action steps to get you there, check out our Request a Coach page. It’s a “cut the fence-sitting and take action” way to tackle your issues and actually find success. You’ll be matched with the coaches most suited to you to get you from where you are to where you want to be. To get off the fence and start to take action, click or tap here.