Make Your Own Choices

No choices

There was a time in my life when I did not have a choice. Things occurred that I simply had no way of controlling or did not know how to control. There were no options to choose from because the act of abuse does not offer those luxuries.

Abuse twists our sense of love and acceptance. As we get older, we make decisions based on love. Our choices become avenues to fulfill our desire to be loved. We make them based on how we currently feel or how we think the choice will make us feel.

For someone who has suffered abuse, this means that you are still allowing the experience to be your guide for decisions you make. You had no choice then, but you do NOW!

The effects of abuse

I did not grow up in a loving household. I knew my parents loved me, but they were not the hugging and kissing type of parents. My parents did the basic things they had to do, which was providing food, clothing, and shelter. I didn’t really know how you express love. So when I was molested by my uncle, I thought that allowing someone to be pleased by my body was how I gave and received love. As a result of that my interactions with the opposite sex became all about how to get them to show me love. Even after the molestation stopped, I was still allowing this abusive experience guide my choices on how I interacted with men.

Here is another side. We use what we know to get what we think is love, but we also develop defense mechanisms that give us a false sense of control, like becoming a control freak! I could not stand someone coming in and making me feel in any way that they were “taking over!” It made me feel like I was losing control. As a result, I was often very defensive and could not maintain healthy relationships. I also had a hard time receiving guidance from anyone because I could never trust their intention. I told myself I was never going down that road again!

SEE ALSO: If you want to get more from your life, and are looking for concrete action steps to get you there, check out our Request a Coach page. It’s a “cut the fence-sitting and take action” way to tackle your issues and actually find success. You’ll be matched with the coaches most suited to you to get you from where you are to where you want to be. To get off the fence and start to take action, click or tap here.

As long as you allowed me to stay in control and do what I thought was best, I was okay. But the minute you attempted to take that from me, it was a war!

The healing process

God, through the healing process, taught me how to balance my emotions so that my reactions to everyday occurrences did not become a scene from a Tyler Perry movie!

Survivors of abuse only have truly survived when they recognize what the experience has done to their mental and emotional state. Then we have to make the choice to use that knowledge to help us decide and lead us in the direction that points to our destiny in God.

One of those first choices is to allow God’s love to heal you and to navigate your life!  When I finally made that choice, He not only became my navigator, but He showed me how real love looks and feels.

Some of us are putting on good performances, all the while secretly carrying the weight and stress those daily performances put on us. The show has to end and you must deal with your issues. Deal with your defensiveness, your inner control freak, your secret promiscuity, and your inner rage! If you do not, you are still allowing the experience to orchestrate your behavior, thus it still is in command of your choices.

Stop hiding behind your titles, education, or positions in the church. Close the curtain on your daily performances so you can live an authentic life that is filled with choices that you make, not the ones your experience made for you.

If you want to get more from your life, and are looking for concrete action steps to get you there, check out our Request a Coach page. It’s a “cut the fence-sitting and take action” way to tackle your issues and actually find success. You’ll be matched with the coaches most suited to you to get you from where you are to where you want to be. To get off the fence and start to take action, click or tap here.