Getting Firm with Your Personal Boundaries

You need to map out your own boundaries in life.

Would you like to be able to tell people no without feeling guilty?  Would you like to feel respected by others?  Would you like to stop feeling responsible for other people’s problems? 

We all need both internal and external boundaries for our well-being. They help us to get along with others who are in our lives with integrity rather than feelings of resentment.

Boundaries will also help us to discriminate about who we are letting in. Having boundaries in place and keeping them maintained makes for good relationships. When we are not firm with our boundaries our relationships will suffer.

Do any of these statements sound familiar?

• Other people drive you crazy
• You are unable to say “no” without feeling very guilty
• Most of the time you feel used
• You find it very hard to ask for things you need and want
• You are putting a lot more into the relationship than you are getting out of it
• You feel the need to solve other people’s problems
• Other people take advantage of you a lot
• You are not treated with respect
• You feel drained and overwhelmed by the situations and people in your life
• You have a hard time making up your mind or knowing what you want
• You believe you do not deserve better than what you have or are getting
• You are unable to express your opinions and feelings
• You work all the time at pleasing everyone and making them all happy
• You work very hard but get paid less than others
• People walk all over you time and time again
• You remain in situations and relationships long after you know you should get out

What is common with all these statements is the lack of good, healthy personal boundaries.  The reason why we have boundaries is so that we can protect and take care of ourselves.  We don’t just have the right, but a duty to be responsible for how we let other people treat us. 

If you can relate to many of these statements, how do you put up boundaries and stick to them?  Good question! 

Tips for maintaining your personal boundaries

Here are some ways you can help yourself make and maintain your personal boundaries.

1. Go slow! Practice new boundaries in easy situations first. Let yourself be experimental and flexible.
2. Ask yourself this question, “What will I be comfortable agreeing to?” Whenever possible, anticipate the situation in advance and be very clear on the level of involvement you want to offer right from the beginning. Example: You know you will be asked to volunteer—so decide in advance how much, if anything, you are willing to do, and practice how you will answer when asked.
3. Understand that drawing a line with those who you have been letting walk all over you for a long time may cause quite a bit of discord. You need to know that resistance will be coming and to keep taking a stand to guard your boundaries. You should discuss all the new changes you want to make before the situation arises where you want to draw a line.
4. Before rescuing someone from their own choices, ask if your assistance helps them in the long run or if it just allows them to keep being destructive because they know you will save them.
5. Be ready to be tested by other people and even yourself. It will be so much easier if you stay consistent. Giving in and going back and forth will send out mixed signals and you will end up not being taken seriously. Remember, your past behavior has taught others how to treat you.  Now all these people have to be re-taught. Be kind yet firm!